Shadow work is not for the faint of heart. It’s messy, uncomfortable, and sometimes downright painful. But it’s also one of the most life-changing things I’ve ever done—not just for my relationship with myself, but for how I show up in my relationships with others.

If you’ve ever found yourself snapping at your partner for no good reason or feeling like you’re always dating the same type of person (and not in a good way), shadow work might just be the mirror you need. And no, I’m not talking about a cute, Instagrammable self-care routine. This is deep, soul-level stuff.

I’ve been there—sitting in the wreckage of yet another argument, convinced it was all the other person’s fault. But somewhere along the way (after a lot of journaling, a few therapy sessions, and many, many tears), I realized the common denominator in all my relationship struggles was me. And that realization? It’s the first step toward healing.

So, let’s dive in. What is shadow work, why does it matter so much for relationships, and how do you actually start doing it without feeling like you’re losing your mind?

What is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is basically the process of exploring the parts of yourself you’d rather not admit exist. You know, the stuff you shove down and pretend isn’t there—like jealousy, anger, insecurity, or even that little voice in your head that says, “I’m not good enough.”

Carl Jung, the Swiss psychologist, introduced the concept of the “shadow self.” He described it as the unconscious parts of our personality that we suppress because they don’t fit with the image we want to present to the world. But here’s the kicker: just because you ignore these parts doesn’t mean they disappear. They lurk in the background, influencing your thoughts, actions, and especially your relationships.

Shadow work is about bringing those hidden parts into the light. It’s not about judging them or trying to “fix” them—it’s about understanding them, accepting them, and learning from them.

Why is Relationship Shadow Work Important?

Relationships have this funny way of showing us everything we haven’t healed yet. They’re like mirrors, reflecting back our insecurities, fears, and unresolved wounds. And let me tell you, my mirror? It was brutal.

When you’re not aware of your shadow self, it runs the show. You might lash out at your partner for something they did, but in reality, you’re reacting to something unresolved inside yourself. Or maybe you keep choosing emotionally unavailable people because, deep down, you’re afraid of intimacy.

Shadow work matters because it helps you:

• Heal your triggers: Instead of overreacting to small things, you can figure out where those reactions are actually coming from.
• Break unhealthy patterns: Like always dating the same type of toxic person or avoiding conflict at all costs.
• Stop projecting: You know, when you accuse your partner of being “too controlling” when it’s actually your need for control. Guilty as charged.

When you do shadow work, you stop blaming everyone else for your problems and start taking responsibility for your own emotional baggage. And that? That’s where real growth happens.

The Shadow Self in Action: Projections, Triggers, and Patterns

When my therapist first explained the dynamics of the shadow self, I felt personally attacked. But she was right—my shadow was running the show, and I didn’t even know it. Here’s how it usually plays out:

1. Projections

Projection is when you take something you don’t like about yourself and assign it to someone else. For example, I used to get so annoyed when my partner would “overreact” to small things. But guess what? I was the queen of bottling up my emotions until I exploded. I didn’t like seeing their emotional expression because it reminded me of how much I suppressed my own.

2. Triggers

Triggers are intense emotional reactions to something in the present that’s tied to unresolved pain from the past. Like when my partner would need time alone, and I’d immediately feel abandoned. That wasn’t about them—it was about my childhood fear of being left behind. Shadow work helped me trace that trigger back to its root and start healing it.

3. Patterns

Patterns are the behaviors you keep repeating in relationships, even when they don’t serve you. For me, it was people-pleasing to the point of losing myself. I thought I was being “easygoing,” but really, I was terrified of conflict.

Shadow work shines a light on these dynamics so you can stop running on autopilot.

How to Start Shadow Work: Practical Tips

Getting into shadow work doesn’t require anything fancy—just a willingness to be honest with yourself. Here’s what worked for me:

1. Create a Safe Space

This kind of deep work needs a judgment-free zone. Find a quiet place where you feel comfortable and won’t be interrupted. Light a candle, put on some calming music, or do whatever helps you feel grounded.

2. Use Journaling Prompts

Sometimes, it’s hard to know where to start with shadow work—especially when it feels like there’s so much to unpack. That’s where journaling prompts come in. In the next section, I’ll share a comprehensive list of prompts designed specifically for relationships. These are the exact questions that helped me work through my own baggage and create healthier, more conscious connections.

Grab a notebook and let the words flow. Don’t overthink it—write whatever comes up.

3. Meditate on Your Emotions

If journaling feels too overwhelming, try meditating on a specific question or emotion. For example, sit quietly and ask yourself, “What part of me am I afraid to face?” Breathe deeply and see what comes up.

4. Be Curious, Not Judgmental

Shadow work isn’t about beating yourself up for your mistakes. It’s about getting curious. When you uncover something uncomfortable, ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way? What can I learn from this?”

5. Take Your Time

There’s no rush. Shadow work is a lifelong journey, not a one-time fix. Be patient with yourself as you peel back the layers.

Shadow Work Journal Prompts for Relationships

Prompts help you ask the right questions so you can uncover the hidden parts of yourself that are affecting your relationships. Here are five common relationship challenges and the prompts that would help you work through them:

1. Struggling with Conflict

• What does conflict make me feel, and why?
• How did my family handle conflict when I was growing up?
• Do I avoid arguments, and if so, what am I afraid of?
• When I’m angry, what’s the story I tell myself about the other person?
• How do I act during an argument, and does it reflect how I truly feel?

2. Dealing with Jealousy

• What triggers my jealousy, and what insecurity is it tied to?
• What do I believe my partner’s actions say about me?
• Where in my past have I felt “not enough,” and how does it show up now?
• How do I typically respond to jealousy—do I lash out, shut down, or communicate?
• What would it look like to trust my partner fully?

3. Fear of Vulnerability

• What am I afraid will happen if I share my true feelings?
• Where did I learn that vulnerability is “unsafe”?
• What parts of myself do I hide in relationships, and why?
• How do I feel when my partner opens up to me?
• What would it feel like to be fully seen and accepted in a relationship?

4. Unhealthy Patterns

• What patterns do I notice in my past relationships?
• How do I typically react when I feel hurt, and where did I learn that behavior?
• Do I choose partners who remind me of someone from my past?
• What beliefs about love and relationships am I holding onto that no longer serve me?
• What would a healthy, balanced relationship look like to me?

5. Struggles with Trust

• What does trust mean to me, and where did I first learn about it?
• When I feel mistrustful, what’s the deeper fear beneath that feeling?
• Have I ever betrayed someone’s trust, and how did it affect me?
• What would it take for me to feel safe trusting someone?
• How do I handle my partner’s mistakes—do I punish, forgive, or hold on to resentment?

These prompts aren’t just questions—they’re invitations to dig deeper. The answers might surprise you, and they’ll definitely challenge you, but they’re a powerful way to uncover what’s really going on beneath the surface.

How Shadow Work Transforms Relationships

When you start doing shadow work, everything changes. You stop blaming your partner for your unhappiness and start taking responsibility for your emotions. You communicate more openly because you actually understand what’s going on inside you. And you break those toxic patterns that have been holding you back for years.

For me, shadow work didn’t just heal my relationships—it healed me. It taught me to embrace all parts of myself, even the messy, uncomfortable ones. And when you can show up as your whole, authentic self, your relationships become deeper, more honest, and way more fulfilling.

Final Thoughts

Shadow work isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. It’s the key to breaking free from the emotional baggage that holds you back and finally building the kind of relationships you deserve.

And trust me, if I can do it—sitting in my pajamas, crying into my journal—you can too. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being real. So, grab a notebook, light a candle, and start digging. You might just be surprised at what you find.

Let’s keep growing together.